New Evidence

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Cobwebby
Posts: 1716
Joined: Mon 29 Oct 2007 0:55

New Evidence

Post by Cobwebby » Sun 9 Sep 2012 5:42

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying:

"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $100,000, and I just found out about it!"
The greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances.
Martha Washington

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Spanky
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Joined: Sun 20 Jul 2008 19:40

Re: New Evidence

Post by Spanky » Sun 9 Sep 2012 14:27

Geez, if you want to tell a lawyer joke...you might at least try to tell one that is slightly funny...

Here is one I chose specially for LNE:

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced a new standard for medical testing.

Testing on rats will be terminated, and in the future live animal testing will be performed using lawyers. The NIH presented the following explanation for its decision:

Some lab assistants were becoming quite attached to their rats, and it was important to find an alternative which would not inspire emotional involvment.

The population of attorneys grows at a faster rate than the population of rats.

Lawyers contribute less to society, and thus are more expendable than rats.

Animal rights societies do not oppose experimentation on lawyers.

There are some things even a rat won't do.

The NIH is trying to resolve concerns raised by this change, that using lawyers for testing may render it more difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.
Last edited by Spanky on Sun 9 Sep 2012 15:31, edited 1 time in total.

Cobwebby
Posts: 1716
Joined: Mon 29 Oct 2007 0:55

Re: New Evidence

Post by Cobwebby » Sun 9 Sep 2012 14:36

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old Lawyers put up a real fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"
The greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances.
Martha Washington

User avatar
Spanky
Posts: 2762
Joined: Sun 20 Jul 2008 19:40

Re: New Evidence

Post by Spanky » Sun 9 Sep 2012 14:44

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession had
been around the longest.

Deciding to back up his position by resorting to
theology, the doctor pointed out that God created Eve from one of Adam's
ribs. This, he argued, was clearly a surgical procedure, which meant that
doctors had been around since the creation of man.

The engineer, not to be
outdone, pointed out that God created the entire earth out of chaos. This,
the engineer exclaimed, was clearly the work of an engineer, proving that
engineers have been around since the creation of the earth.

"Well," said
the lawyer with a grin on his face, "obviously there were lawyers around
before that." "What do you mean," asked the others.

Replied the lawyer,
"where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?"

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Spanky
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Re: New Evidence

Post by Spanky » Sun 9 Sep 2012 14:54

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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Spanky
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Re: New Evidence

Post by Spanky » Sun 9 Sep 2012 15:10

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bulls**t, come!" Bulls**t entered and was told to do his stuff. Bulls**t immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Cobwebby
Posts: 1716
Joined: Mon 29 Oct 2007 0:55

Re: New Evidence

Post by Cobwebby » Sun 9 Sep 2012 16:40

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
The greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances.
Martha Washington

User avatar
Spanky
Posts: 2762
Joined: Sun 20 Jul 2008 19:40

Re: New Evidence

Post by Spanky » Sun 9 Sep 2012 18:55

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

~~~~~

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

~~~~~

How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Last edited by Spanky on Mon 10 Sep 2012 5:17, edited 2 times in total.

Cobwebby
Posts: 1716
Joined: Mon 29 Oct 2007 0:55

Re: New Evidence

Post by Cobwebby » Sun 9 Sep 2012 19:09

I thought this was particulary funny, too.
The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his Limousine car when he saw two men along roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you",the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"
The greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances.
Martha Washington

Cobwebby
Posts: 1716
Joined: Mon 29 Oct 2007 0:55

Re: New Evidence

Post by Cobwebby » Mon 10 Sep 2012 4:03

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
The greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances.
Martha Washington

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